Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Silence Is Golden
My father used to say "it is better to keep silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt". I believe he attributed it to Lincoln but perhaps it belongs to somebody else. I have come to understand this saying in a number of different ways over the course of my life, or rather, that it may be applied to a number of different situations. Most recently it has been a case of not the "what" but instead, of "whether or not" to speak.
For some time now my two younger brothers and I have been estranged from each other. In a nutshell, there was, what began as a sibling quarrel on the night of my wedding, and mutated into something else, which ended in my wife (who is mixed) being called a "nigger" and my being arrested and taken to jail on what at best were "questionable" charges; more half-truths than anything else. That's how I see it in hindsight anyway.
And so not surprisingly, my brothers and I do not speak these days. I'm not really bitter about it anymore (I still think what they did was wrong), however I don't feel that it is wise to associate with them right now. Many of the friends I've had for more than 10 years, and therefore know at least a little bit about my brothers, all seem to hold the opinion that whenever my brothers come around my house, there's always eventually some kind of trouble. Even my mother has finally, and grudgingly, agreed that the best course of action would seem to be that I avoid the two of them.
There are a few small wrinkles however.
For starters, I personally have lived in the same area most of my life. My family has lived here for over six decades, and I currently own the family home (complete with it's very own mortgage) , which I inherited from my father. A lot of people around these parts know personally, myself, my late father, and my late grandfather. The way things look right now, they'll also come to know my son or daughter who is currently "on the way" if you follow my drift.
My youngest brother works in a local corner store that happens to be one of the only ones that is open 24 hours. And so, sometimes it is unavoidable that either my wife or myself have to wander in for this, that, or the other thing, and have to at least partially run in to him. No words are ever directly exchanged, but for myself at least, there is always a passing feeling of awkwardness and tension. For one reason or another that I have yet to be able to figure out or explain to myself, my youngest brother and my sister-in-law (who also works there) have a very instense hatred for me, and to some extent my wife. For my part, I have absolutely no desire to cause trouble or make a scene. Frankly, if it makes the two of them feel better, they don't even have to acknowledge that they know me, as far as I'm concerned. I'll pay for my things and be on my way.
However I have a really bad habit of kind of dropping messages to my brother. For instance, on Christmas night I had to go into his store and pick up a couple of things. Instead of keeping my mouth shut, I told the young man who waited on me to tell my brother that I said "Merry Christmas". I meant nothing by it other than what such a phrase is supposed to convey. As my wife and a close friend of mine later explained however, my intentions do not necessarily guarantee that it won't be taken as some sort of provocation; as if I were intentionally trying to get under his skin or make some kind of scene. Now I know and they know that such is not the case, however as they correctly identified, my brother may very-well think that this is precisely what I'm trying to do.
It actually took my thinking on it overnight and a little bit this morning to realize that they were right, and that even though in my own mind I might be offering some sort of indirect olive branch, or trying to let my brother know somehow that I don't hate him, such actions will likely have the opposite efffect. What is most odd to me is that they were the ones that had me thrown into jail on my wedding night, and yet they are the ones filled with hate and vitriol, not me. Regardless, I have come to the conclusion the I should probably stay out of that store for the forseeable future. My wife to some extent seems to think that this might be a little extreme (i.e., "we live here, we shouldn't have to avoid certain places), and I certainly see what she means. However on the othe hand, I can't guarantee that I won't act like a putz and say something to one of my brother's coworkers. And so it is better that I stay out of there.
Sometimes talking just makes things worse. Contrary to what the headshrinkers will say, talking it out doesn't always solve a given problem, and sometimes it is silence, not dialogue, that erases or erodes anger or hate.
For some time now my two younger brothers and I have been estranged from each other. In a nutshell, there was, what began as a sibling quarrel on the night of my wedding, and mutated into something else, which ended in my wife (who is mixed) being called a "nigger" and my being arrested and taken to jail on what at best were "questionable" charges; more half-truths than anything else. That's how I see it in hindsight anyway.
And so not surprisingly, my brothers and I do not speak these days. I'm not really bitter about it anymore (I still think what they did was wrong), however I don't feel that it is wise to associate with them right now. Many of the friends I've had for more than 10 years, and therefore know at least a little bit about my brothers, all seem to hold the opinion that whenever my brothers come around my house, there's always eventually some kind of trouble. Even my mother has finally, and grudgingly, agreed that the best course of action would seem to be that I avoid the two of them.
There are a few small wrinkles however.
For starters, I personally have lived in the same area most of my life. My family has lived here for over six decades, and I currently own the family home (complete with it's very own mortgage) , which I inherited from my father. A lot of people around these parts know personally, myself, my late father, and my late grandfather. The way things look right now, they'll also come to know my son or daughter who is currently "on the way" if you follow my drift.
My youngest brother works in a local corner store that happens to be one of the only ones that is open 24 hours. And so, sometimes it is unavoidable that either my wife or myself have to wander in for this, that, or the other thing, and have to at least partially run in to him. No words are ever directly exchanged, but for myself at least, there is always a passing feeling of awkwardness and tension. For one reason or another that I have yet to be able to figure out or explain to myself, my youngest brother and my sister-in-law (who also works there) have a very instense hatred for me, and to some extent my wife. For my part, I have absolutely no desire to cause trouble or make a scene. Frankly, if it makes the two of them feel better, they don't even have to acknowledge that they know me, as far as I'm concerned. I'll pay for my things and be on my way.
However I have a really bad habit of kind of dropping messages to my brother. For instance, on Christmas night I had to go into his store and pick up a couple of things. Instead of keeping my mouth shut, I told the young man who waited on me to tell my brother that I said "Merry Christmas". I meant nothing by it other than what such a phrase is supposed to convey. As my wife and a close friend of mine later explained however, my intentions do not necessarily guarantee that it won't be taken as some sort of provocation; as if I were intentionally trying to get under his skin or make some kind of scene. Now I know and they know that such is not the case, however as they correctly identified, my brother may very-well think that this is precisely what I'm trying to do.
It actually took my thinking on it overnight and a little bit this morning to realize that they were right, and that even though in my own mind I might be offering some sort of indirect olive branch, or trying to let my brother know somehow that I don't hate him, such actions will likely have the opposite efffect. What is most odd to me is that they were the ones that had me thrown into jail on my wedding night, and yet they are the ones filled with hate and vitriol, not me. Regardless, I have come to the conclusion the I should probably stay out of that store for the forseeable future. My wife to some extent seems to think that this might be a little extreme (i.e., "we live here, we shouldn't have to avoid certain places), and I certainly see what she means. However on the othe hand, I can't guarantee that I won't act like a putz and say something to one of my brother's coworkers. And so it is better that I stay out of there.
Sometimes talking just makes things worse. Contrary to what the headshrinkers will say, talking it out doesn't always solve a given problem, and sometimes it is silence, not dialogue, that erases or erodes anger or hate.
Friday, December 24, 2010
The Death of Christmas
I suppose it is somewhat appropriate to begin a new blog on the cusp of a new year, and more importantly on the eve of the day that celebrates the birth of the Savior of the world; the One who gave humanity a "new start". With that in mind, I find I am asking myself, "what the hell happened to Christmas?". I don't know about anyone else, but when I was growing up, and really even into my early twenties, Christmas was a joyful time of year; something one could look forward to. It was a cause for celebration, a time of year that filled you with a kind of warmth, and more importantly, charity. As strange as it sounds, looking back, it was almost as if the moment the month of December dawned, one could sense a change in people in general. It seemed as if everyone softened, just a little bit, for a time, and the phrase "peace on earth, and good will toward men" actually seemed to be within reach. Sure, some of the usual tediums of life were still present, and things like Christmas shopping were still hectic. But people still took time, however short-lived, to think of others instead of themselves. Kindness, it seems, almost became visible, as if it were a tangible object like so many presents under the tree.
Today I look around and I see barely a flicker of such good and glad tidings. And I wonder what happened.
In 2010, the spirit of Christmas, the "peace on earth and good will toward men" has been replaced with "me first; get out of my way; too bad, it's the last one and it's mine; the hell with church, I'm sleeping in; I don't care what your looking for, my store closes in five minutes; why do I have to cook for these people; if this old woman bumps me with her cart ONE more time..."
I could go on and on.
People are absolutely obsessed with Black Friday/holiday sales, what to buy others (often done with the same resignation shown when filing income taxes), where & when the best place to get drunk is, etc.
Compounding such self-absorption is the attempted hijacking and secularization of the holiday itself. Suddenly it's offensive to wish someone a Merry Christmas. Emphasis is placed almost entirely on material possessions. Just the other day, Yahoo News reported on the banning of a public Christmas tree in a Nazareth suburb (yes, the boy Jesus' old 'hood). Santa Claus is the new and sole face of Christmas, and ironically most people have no idea who Nicholas of Myra actually is.
And yet, I think I could handle those sorts of things if I could still look around and see the majority of people who claim to celebrate Christmas, actually celebrating Christmas.
What do I mean by that? I mean celebrating Christ-Mas; the Mass of Christ. This holiday (or HOLY-day) is not for us. It's for HIM; it's to honor Him, and to show our gratitude for His coming. Additionally, it's not supposed to be just one day; it's a whole season. If that's not your focus this time of year, then frankly you probably ought not to bother even celebrating. And more than that, speaking of honoring Him how about we try reviving the "good will toward men"? For instance, is it really that big of a deal if someone cut you off in traffic on your way to the mall? Must you curse them? Won't you still arrive at your destination? Or perhaps instead of obsessing over the stuff people are going to get us, or that we supposedly "have" to get them, we try helping out the poor guy who has to sleep on the pavement in single-digit temperatures? Maybe bring him a blanket, or a hot cup of coffee? (and I don't buy the old, callous excuse: even if they are a drunk or a drug-addict that doesn't make it any warmer outside) Maybe instead of letting the snotty and selfish customer we're waiting on ruin our Christmas Eve, we exercise a little patience, charity, and most importantly, humility in helping them find what they're looking for. You'd be amazed at how quickly such a sour soul brightens up. And then send them on their way with a "Merry Christmas".
My favorite of course is those who bemoan how this time of year brings out the "dumb and mean" in people. Such individuals are indeed the critics, and not the "men in the arena", to paraphrase Roosevelt. Nor do they seem to recognize that they reflect such sentiments right back at others, instead of trying to counteract it; they simply let it infect them as well. It's almost a geometric progression, and before long, the true Christmas spirit has all but died in the hearts of men. Sometimes I even have to struggle myself against its prevalence, to hold onto the joy of this time of year. But I refuse to be dragged down by all the negativity and insensitivity. My Lord and King has come. The promise has been kept as God has willed it. With such a prospect in mind, how can one possibly be miserable and unkind? How has it come to such a paradox, that the one time of the year that people should be the happiest and most at peace in their hearts is the time of year that seems to bring out the worst in people? Perhaps we should try letting that joy (if indeed we have it) show through in our person. And no, being nice to people you secretly hate or can't stand doesn't count; if you hate, then what is the point? Do you really suppose that God looks favorably upon such deeds? It should be genuine. Maybe I'm wrong, but I could've sworn that/that was the whole point.
"No one who lights a lamp hides it away or places it [under a bushel basket], but on a lampstand so that those who enter might see the light." (Lk 11:33 NAB)
Today I look around and I see barely a flicker of such good and glad tidings. And I wonder what happened.
In 2010, the spirit of Christmas, the "peace on earth and good will toward men" has been replaced with "me first; get out of my way; too bad, it's the last one and it's mine; the hell with church, I'm sleeping in; I don't care what your looking for, my store closes in five minutes; why do I have to cook for these people; if this old woman bumps me with her cart ONE more time..."
I could go on and on.
People are absolutely obsessed with Black Friday/holiday sales, what to buy others (often done with the same resignation shown when filing income taxes), where & when the best place to get drunk is, etc.
Compounding such self-absorption is the attempted hijacking and secularization of the holiday itself. Suddenly it's offensive to wish someone a Merry Christmas. Emphasis is placed almost entirely on material possessions. Just the other day, Yahoo News reported on the banning of a public Christmas tree in a Nazareth suburb (yes, the boy Jesus' old 'hood). Santa Claus is the new and sole face of Christmas, and ironically most people have no idea who Nicholas of Myra actually is.
And yet, I think I could handle those sorts of things if I could still look around and see the majority of people who claim to celebrate Christmas, actually celebrating Christmas.
What do I mean by that? I mean celebrating Christ-Mas; the Mass of Christ. This holiday (or HOLY-day) is not for us. It's for HIM; it's to honor Him, and to show our gratitude for His coming. Additionally, it's not supposed to be just one day; it's a whole season. If that's not your focus this time of year, then frankly you probably ought not to bother even celebrating. And more than that, speaking of honoring Him how about we try reviving the "good will toward men"? For instance, is it really that big of a deal if someone cut you off in traffic on your way to the mall? Must you curse them? Won't you still arrive at your destination? Or perhaps instead of obsessing over the stuff people are going to get us, or that we supposedly "have" to get them, we try helping out the poor guy who has to sleep on the pavement in single-digit temperatures? Maybe bring him a blanket, or a hot cup of coffee? (and I don't buy the old, callous excuse: even if they are a drunk or a drug-addict that doesn't make it any warmer outside) Maybe instead of letting the snotty and selfish customer we're waiting on ruin our Christmas Eve, we exercise a little patience, charity, and most importantly, humility in helping them find what they're looking for. You'd be amazed at how quickly such a sour soul brightens up. And then send them on their way with a "Merry Christmas".
My favorite of course is those who bemoan how this time of year brings out the "dumb and mean" in people. Such individuals are indeed the critics, and not the "men in the arena", to paraphrase Roosevelt. Nor do they seem to recognize that they reflect such sentiments right back at others, instead of trying to counteract it; they simply let it infect them as well. It's almost a geometric progression, and before long, the true Christmas spirit has all but died in the hearts of men. Sometimes I even have to struggle myself against its prevalence, to hold onto the joy of this time of year. But I refuse to be dragged down by all the negativity and insensitivity. My Lord and King has come. The promise has been kept as God has willed it. With such a prospect in mind, how can one possibly be miserable and unkind? How has it come to such a paradox, that the one time of the year that people should be the happiest and most at peace in their hearts is the time of year that seems to bring out the worst in people? Perhaps we should try letting that joy (if indeed we have it) show through in our person. And no, being nice to people you secretly hate or can't stand doesn't count; if you hate, then what is the point? Do you really suppose that God looks favorably upon such deeds? It should be genuine. Maybe I'm wrong, but I could've sworn that/that was the whole point.
"No one who lights a lamp hides it away or places it [under a bushel basket], but on a lampstand so that those who enter might see the light." (Lk 11:33 NAB)
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