My father used to say "it is better to keep silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt". I believe he attributed it to Lincoln but perhaps it belongs to somebody else. I have come to understand this saying in a number of different ways over the course of my life, or rather, that it may be applied to a number of different situations. Most recently it has been a case of not the "what" but instead, of "whether or not" to speak.
For some time now my two younger brothers and I have been estranged from each other. In a nutshell, there was, what began as a sibling quarrel on the night of my wedding, and mutated into something else, which ended in my wife (who is mixed) being called a "nigger" and my being arrested and taken to jail on what at best were "questionable" charges; more half-truths than anything else. That's how I see it in hindsight anyway.
And so not surprisingly, my brothers and I do not speak these days. I'm not really bitter about it anymore (I still think what they did was wrong), however I don't feel that it is wise to associate with them right now. Many of the friends I've had for more than 10 years, and therefore know at least a little bit about my brothers, all seem to hold the opinion that whenever my brothers come around my house, there's always eventually some kind of trouble. Even my mother has finally, and grudgingly, agreed that the best course of action would seem to be that I avoid the two of them.
There are a few small wrinkles however.
For starters, I personally have lived in the same area most of my life. My family has lived here for over six decades, and I currently own the family home (complete with it's very own mortgage) , which I inherited from my father. A lot of people around these parts know personally, myself, my late father, and my late grandfather. The way things look right now, they'll also come to know my son or daughter who is currently "on the way" if you follow my drift.
My youngest brother works in a local corner store that happens to be one of the only ones that is open 24 hours. And so, sometimes it is unavoidable that either my wife or myself have to wander in for this, that, or the other thing, and have to at least partially run in to him. No words are ever directly exchanged, but for myself at least, there is always a passing feeling of awkwardness and tension. For one reason or another that I have yet to be able to figure out or explain to myself, my youngest brother and my sister-in-law (who also works there) have a very instense hatred for me, and to some extent my wife. For my part, I have absolutely no desire to cause trouble or make a scene. Frankly, if it makes the two of them feel better, they don't even have to acknowledge that they know me, as far as I'm concerned. I'll pay for my things and be on my way.
However I have a really bad habit of kind of dropping messages to my brother. For instance, on Christmas night I had to go into his store and pick up a couple of things. Instead of keeping my mouth shut, I told the young man who waited on me to tell my brother that I said "Merry Christmas". I meant nothing by it other than what such a phrase is supposed to convey. As my wife and a close friend of mine later explained however, my intentions do not necessarily guarantee that it won't be taken as some sort of provocation; as if I were intentionally trying to get under his skin or make some kind of scene. Now I know and they know that such is not the case, however as they correctly identified, my brother may very-well think that this is precisely what I'm trying to do.
It actually took my thinking on it overnight and a little bit this morning to realize that they were right, and that even though in my own mind I might be offering some sort of indirect olive branch, or trying to let my brother know somehow that I don't hate him, such actions will likely have the opposite efffect. What is most odd to me is that they were the ones that had me thrown into jail on my wedding night, and yet they are the ones filled with hate and vitriol, not me. Regardless, I have come to the conclusion the I should probably stay out of that store for the forseeable future. My wife to some extent seems to think that this might be a little extreme (i.e., "we live here, we shouldn't have to avoid certain places), and I certainly see what she means. However on the othe hand, I can't guarantee that I won't act like a putz and say something to one of my brother's coworkers. And so it is better that I stay out of there.
Sometimes talking just makes things worse. Contrary to what the headshrinkers will say, talking it out doesn't always solve a given problem, and sometimes it is silence, not dialogue, that erases or erodes anger or hate.
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